Dreadful Thoughts

Netbooks, Blisters and Blood Pressure

2011-08-20T14:22:00.003-04:00

This week has been a pain in the ass. The only good thing is that I got a netbook from the Dell Outlet so I have a small portable laptop to use for stuff like this. My Dell Studio 15 is just too big, heavy and HOT to have it sitting on my lap for any period of time so it has been demoted to a desktop to replace the broken one. My new toy is a refurbished Dell Inspiron Mini 1012. So far I'm really liking it. I got it so I could spend more time on Lionbridge without being tied to the computer desk the whole time. The dogs hate that desk. :P

So... what about the pain in the ass part? Well. Last Wednesday Jake came home unexpectedly. His DOT medical card was expiring at midnight and he hadn't been anywhere for a new one. He went in on Thursday to get his card and failed the exam because his blood sugar was too high. OH GREAT! Diabetes! Just what we need. Insulin dependency is the ultimate death of a commerical drivers license. As long as you need insulin to control your sugar, you cannot qualify for a medcial card. You MUST find another job... Jake couldn't handle that. He's always been a driver.. a pizza driver, a mexican food delivery driver, a dump truck driver, a wrecker driver and a tractor-trailer driver. That's the only jobs he's ever had that he LIKED. Taking away his CDL would kill him. Possibly literally. So Friday he went to the doctor and they checked his sugar.. it was PERFECT! Not even close to being high. He called the office and they scheduled another appointment for Monday to redo his physical. But there was still a hitch.. this time, his blood pressure was high. So he also got an appointment to see a doctor on Tuesday to get blood pressure meds.

He'd been on BP meds before, but stopped taking them because they weren't working. Yeah. I know. Rather than going back and getting something else... he just stopped taking them. He got lucky the next time his card was up and passed (barely)... but not this time.

So Monday he gets his card, a three-month temporary card. They'll give him a yearly one next time if his bp is alright. Sugar was good. Tuesday, I take the day off to try to be as close to the action as I can because I know he's horrible about telling me what happens at these things. If I'm there AS SOON as he walks out of the doctor's office, it'll be fresh in his mind and I can get the details much easier than waiting 5 or 6 hours until I get home from work. He goes into the doctor's office and the waiting begins.

When he emerges, he hands me his prescriptions. I look and see Chantix! Yes! He's decided to quit smoking again! Now before you criticize the drug.. think about it.. it must be working for someone or else it'd be completely off the market by now, right? It worked great for him the first time he took it. He just quit taking the pills too soon (mostly due to cost) and started smoking again after a few months. The second time he stayed on it a bit longer but again relapsed due to stress. Then he went to the patches and had limited success with those. He quit for almost a year at one point, but got the itch one day sitting in a bar in Texas with some other Highway drivers and a pack of cigarettes was laying close at hand. Alcohol and nicotine... always go hand-in-hand ya' know. He's like me.. we rarely ever drink, but when you do... Smoke 'em if ya got 'em! I can't describe the feeling I had when he walked in the house that day with the smell of cigarette smoke wafting off his clothes. :( Damn.. he was doing so good!

So yeah.. he's on Chantix. He never had the scary side-effects that plagued so many people. His side-effect was crazy dreams. Not scary dreams, CRAZY dreams. Things that would never happen in real life coming to life in amazing clarity. HE LOVED THEM! HAH! He said he actually MISSED the dreams when he'd come off the Chantix.

So at this point I'm thinking we're heading over to the pharmacy (there's one right there in the doctor's office building! How handy is THAT?) when he diverts to the next check-in desk. What's up? "I have to get more blood drawn and a chest X-ray". Chest X-ray?? OH! OK.. Cause he told them about the coughing.. yeah.. just precautionary, right? Well, that's what I thought until two days later.. after he's already on the road again. He calls and tells me the doctor's office called and they want him to come back in next week because something was "off" on his blood work. And they're calling him in an anti-biotic because they saw what looks like pneumonia on his x-ray. Wha wha what? How does he have this and not know it. Just a cough.. no fever, no shortness of breath, nothing seemed out of the ordinary other than the cough. Figured that was just the cigarettes.. he ALWAYS woke up coughing when he was smoking. Shit. So now we wait.

And while I'm waiting... I'm covered in poison ivy! Three days into my15 day course of Prednisone and I'm still seeing new bumps appear. Shit. Will we ever catch a break? Ever?

Turn, Turn, Turn.

2010-05-13T23:12:00.002-04:00

Got a reality check Sunday morning when our goddaughter's father called and told us his wife had tried to hang herself with a dog collar. Apparently they'd gotten in a fight and she decided to act on her previous threat of offing herself. While deeply saddened for them and horrified at the thought of their daughter being the one who found her... it also made me think. Alot. I've been there. While I never actually acted on it, I've had those thoughts many times. Once, not too long after we were married, Jake and I had gotten in a fight at a friend's house and I took off walking down the road to get away. When he came and found me, I was walking down the road with a knife to my wrist. I wanted to do it. REALLY wanted to, but just couldn't. I guess I'm a pussy after all.

Moving and more Spiders.

2009-10-03T11:58:00.004-04:00

OK. So it's been forever since I've posted anything on here. But it's been a hectic, stressful and busy few months for me.

Most recently we've moved. This was brought on by a financial issue which I'll discuss later in more detail.. maybe. But we're giving up the house we "owned" and are now renting. We went from a 2 bedroom 1 bath house from the 1940s to a 3 bedroom 2 bath house built in 1997 and are paying about $30 less per month for rent versus our mortgage payment. And we're not stuck in a 40 year mortgage with 10.69% interest. (Another topic for later discussion, maybe, if anybody is really interested).

So as part of the move, we've been packing, unpacking and rearranging things. These activities are bound to result in spider sightings.

Thursday I actually saw my first live black widow spider. She was actually kind of pretty. Creepy, but pretty. The body of the spider was the blackest black I'd ever seen. And kind of shiny.

I'd been dumping some old water out of a cooler that got covered in ants. Apparently while tipping the cooler I disturbed an ant nest and in no time flat the cooler was covered with them. I tried washing them off with a water hose but they kept coming. So I went back in the house for some Terro (ant killer). I put some underneath a brick and as I was replacing the brick I noticed the shiny black spider legs. I grabbed a stick to try to move it so I could get a closer look. At first I thought it was dead. But it wasn't. And when it moved I noticed the BRIGHT red hourglass on the bottom of it's belly. It was such a contrast to the black that there was no mistaking it for a black widow. I'd never seen one before so I was actually kind of giddy to see it. Until reality set in and I realized I could not leave this thing out here where Sasha and Ralphie roam around. Sasha loves to investigate bugs and if this bit her on the nose... well yeah. I can't have that.

So I ran back in the garage and grabbed the first thing I could find.. a toilet plunger. I smushed it into the ground, dug it out and smushed it again. Problem is, I don't know if I got it. Never found the body. ::shiver::

Then today, this morning, I found this spider.

I have no idea what it is, but I'm hoping to find out soon. I sent an email to a local science teacher who photographs and identifies spiders. So hopefully I'll get an answer back!

The feeling of blah.

2009-04-14T15:49:00.000-04:00

That is how you describe me. Blah. That's how I look. Its definitely how I feel and the reaction most people have to me in general. I just wish I knew WHY I always feel so Blah.
I think a big part of it is watching the world around me. People who work their asses off never catch a break and end up in the proverbial hole. People are lazy and refuse to work sit around collecting handouts and free money. Where is my share? Hell I would love to go back to school but can't afford it and don't qualify for a grant. Jake and I have a friend whose career is going to school. She has two kids and goes to school full time. Taxpayers provide her with an apartment and pay her tuition. On top of that she has extra money left out of her grant each semester to buy some new clothes to strut around campus in. I haven't bought new clothes in over a year, and even then it was a $5 polo shirt to wear to work. Splurged about a month ago and bought a new pair of sneakers to replace the ones with holes in them and the pair that kills my feet.
Then there's the folks who don't do a thing. No job, no school and STILL get shit handed to them. 3 kids by different men apparently qualifies you for free food, free health insurance and free rent if you want it.
A few years ago, Jake and I decided to try a fresh start. We moved to Sebring. Jake's hometown, in Florida. Cheap land, cheap housing and lower sales tax (including a tax exemption on groceries) sounded nice. Within a few days we each had jobs and had rented a duplex. It was small, but cozy and efficient. We loved it! After about three weeks shit fell apart and Jake's job was no more. Staring down the nose of a car payment and rent we went to see about getting on food stamps temporarily. They said no. Even though we were paying for the car (or at least trying to) they said it was an asset and its value made us too "rich" to qualify for help. I guess we were supposed to eat the car.
Anyway... yeah I get a little pissy when I see people getting along nice and easy on their goverment aid while I sit here trying to figure out how to pay my electric bill and still have enough money to eat.

i LOVE April Fool's Day!

2009-04-01T10:12:00.003-04:00

My favorite part of April Fool's Day, other than making up fake employees and sending out a newsletter encouraging everyone to go introduce themselves, is surfing the net looking for the hoaxes. I'm putting links here in hopes they stay active for a while.

http://www.expedia.com/daily/mars/flights-to-mars/?mcicid=Mars_home_us Book a Flight to Mars for only $99 on Expedia

http://www.hotels.co.uk/press/moon-rooms.html Hotels.com was reported to be taking reservations for rooms on the moon, although I couldn't find the actual reservation page.

http://twitpic.com/2ohaj I'm preserving this as a screenshot since it won't last after today. Youtube was playing videos upside down... and ALL the wrinting, logos, etc were upside down as well.

http://www.youtube.com/t/new_viewing_experience They offered handy instructions on how to better enjoy the new layout and a choice of viewing using the old layout as well.

http://www.google.com/intl/en/landing/cadie/index.html CADIE, Google's new sentient web search... even has it's own website... and apparently loves pandas.

http://mail.google.com/mail/help/autopilot/index.html She also takes over answering your emails for you. How handy!

CRAP. Gotta get ready for work. Hopefully there will still be some left when I get home. Traditionally they only stay up until noon. :( Not fair.

The Not-So-itsy-bitsy spider

2008-09-21T21:04:00.002-04:00

Image by nismax95 via Flickr...was hanging on my house.
This is the second spider I have found hanging around outside my house. They build webs that stretch from the trees to the ground... BIG webs.
Oddly enough, this guy seems to be short a leg. I have no idea what kind of spider it is or if it's dangerous. All I know is I was quite creeped out by it when I almost walked into it's web. Then, oddly enough, had to run back inside to get the camera and take it's picture! *shrug* Here are some other spider pics I've taken around the house.

Day at the Park

2008-09-21T20:18:00.003-04:00

Image by nismax95 via FlickrI learned something today. Took Sasha to the 2nd Annual Smoky Mountain Pet Fair sponsored by the Blount County Humane Society. I got all excited when a lady approached me to point me in the direction of the East Tennessee German Shepherd Club tent. "Oooh coool! I get to meet more Shepherd people, see the dogs they've rescued, etc, etc." She even offered to give Sasha some free "GSD Friendly" treats, made without corn since the breed has a tendency to be intolerant of corn.
So after a little more wandering Sasha and I make it to the tent. There are crates at both ends with big, beautiful shepherds in them and I proceed to introduce myself to the nearest one.
Now, let me pause (paws) here for a moment and explain a bit about Sasha. She's a Momma's Girl. Big time. Has been since the day we brought her home. I've worked very hard to socialize her since she spent the first 3 months of her life in a pen full of her siblings with very little human interaction. I've taken her to dog parks, pet stores, parks, walking trails... basically anywhere a dog is allowed. She's ridden in the car for countless miles, running errands with me and on trips to the parks. She is a very well behaved girl around other people and dogs... remains quite shy. Some dogs are just that way, and her "questionable" breeding only compounds the problem. This is considered a "fault" for a German Shepherd and I am aware of that. This is why, even though she is AKC registered, I have never pursued showinImage by nismax95 via Flickrg or competing her in any way. She just couldn't handle it at this time. While time can only tell whether that will change, my constant working with her is making progress. And I'm proud of that.
Now... with that being said. The breed standard also does not state that a German Shepherd Dog be mean or agressive around strangers. That's stuff people train into them. And it's wrong. Any good rescue organization would recognize these traits in a dog and work diligently to correct them before bringing said dog into a potential stressful and dangerous situation. I don't keep Sasha away from strangers because while she may show fear, she has NEVER shown agression. The first sign of something like that and there would be alot of one-on-one trainging done before she went out in public again.
So anyway... here's the story I've spent all this time leading up to. I walk around the side of the table after speaking to the lady who tracked me down for a few moments and letting Sasha try her homemade treats (which she ate, but I think only to not be rude.) There in a wire crate (the other dog was in a plastic crate and very calm) is another big, beautiful Shepherd. He was looking at us as we walked slowly towards him. Suddenly with us still over 5 feet away, he lunges at the side of the crate barking wildly. Sasha practically ran THROUGH my leg. I'm standing there shocked!
Obviously this guy has some dog aggression issues. Then why was be brought to the Pet Fair where people are walking around with dogs of all sizes, ferrets and even snakes!? Why was he sitting out in the open like that? Did they honestly NOT KNOW he had these issues? They labeled themselves as a German Shepherd Rescue. They had photocopies of the breed standard on the table. All kinds of AKC pamphlets next to the dog talking about the traits of the breed, why proper training is so important, etc. And this dried-up excuse for a "rescue worker" had the nerve to scold ME for bringing my dog there. Yeah, I actually got told "you don't bring a dog up to another dog like that." Uhh.. funny. Sasha had met and sniffed practically every other dog in the park already that day and NONE of them ever so much as showed a tooth. But this dog wouldn't allow us within 5 feet of his crate? And if we were so wrong for being there, why the hell wasn't she paying attention and stopping us before we got there?Image by nismax95 via Flickr
About an hour later, once I noticed they had taken him out for a walk (dodging everybody else in the process so he wouldn't lunge while on the leash). We made out way back over to the tent to look at the photos of the rescue dogs. I was still curious about the club. We were discussing the foster program and the same lady I first met was telling me about the white shepherd she had with her. He was a foster, but then she decided to keep him. While we are talking, the cranky lady and the unsociable Shepherd come back. The white shepherd is in front of the lady I'm speaking to, laying calmly under the table. The other dog comes in and immediately lunges (old lady barely hanging on, luckily the guy next to her grabbed the leash too) at the white shepherd. And the white sheps owner actually apologized to HER!?
I decided at that point that Sasha and I didn't need a GSD club. This group, while claiming to know alot about the actual breed, knows nothing about the behavior of the dogs themselves. When someone feels they have to apologize to the owner of such an unruly and obviously untrained dog... there's no hope for getting good training tips and advice from such a group. Sad, just sad. There's probably several people who witnessed the same dog aggression out of that dog that I did today. And while I recoginize it for what it truly is (lack of training and an owner/handler which is unrespected by the dog and shows no authority) others will look at that dog and blame it on the German Shepherd breed. :(

Bedroom or kitchen?

2008-09-20T20:14:00.001-04:00

Bedroom or kitchen?
Originally uploaded by nismax95

We've had this comforter since Christmas. I pulled out the zipper bag it came in today for some reason I have long forgotten since I got sidetracked (or "shinied" as Jake likes to call it) with the photo on the front. This is the picture from the zipper bag the comforter came in. Is it just me, or does it look like someone stuck a bed in their kitchen? I don't have cabinets and a counter top in my bedroom... do you?

Let's all play the waiting game!

2008-09-20T14:12:00.005-04:00

Image by Getty Images via DaylifeI recently placed an order on corporate perks for two "Free" T-mobile Sidekick mobile phones. The good part is, they were free after a $50 rebate, with free overnight shipping and no activation fees. The bad part is, they where shipped Wednesday and I still don't have them! Thanks to UPS. United Parcel Service? Nay, Ur Package... Somewhere!
Yeah, they keep trying to deliver this "signature required for delivery" package while I'm not home. And the only option for a pick-up location is a warehouse on Robert C. Jackson (near Denso) that is only open from 2pm - 6pm Monday through Friday. Lotta good that's gonna do me.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking, why not just go buy a phone somewhere and take it home that day. Well, see here's the thing. We wanted phones with decent internet access. Not some crappy phone browser, but real internet access. Didn't want to pay loads of cash for iPhones (although I love that little gadget) and AT&T contracts. I spent alot of time reading reviews of different phones and when I ran across the deal to get these Sidekicks FREE... well. Yeah. I'm gonna try that! Why the hell not, right? Got 30 days to send 'em back if we don't like 'em. Free if I keep them and the monthly service will be $20-40 less per month than our current Sprint rates with more features and options that we actually will use.
I'm just super pissed right now because I was all psyched about taking the new phone around this weekend and trying it out. But instead, I'm sitting here watching the bars on my Samsung A-900 (P.O.S.) do lovely acrobatics. :(

Weekend: Just me and Sasha

2008-09-07T21:55:00.006-04:00

Image by nismax95 via FlickrSpent the first of many weekends without Jake. Been a while and I forgot just how much time can be in those two days when I'm the one thinking up stuff to do with it. Although I certainly would have loved to spend at least one day out on the lake... Sasha and I went for a nice hike Saturday.

We were actually going after a geocache that had been placed Wednesday and were going to be the First-to-find. Didn't work out. Got to the location after walking about .7 mile and realized there was no way I was going to make it to the hiding spot with Sasha in tow. I had the Flexi leash and no way to secure it to me, wasn't about to leave her tied up to something down below and we were both slipping and sliding in the loose rocks and soil trying to climb a 45-degree angle. Chalked it up to an adventure, let Sash splash around in the nearby creek for a while then headed back to the duck pond for a water break and some goose chasing.

Did some random (very) surfing on the net and remembered a website a merchant had told me to look up. 419-eater.com It's a group of people who reply to those financial scam mails we all get with the sole purpose of bugging the crap out of the people who bug the crap out of us. You know the e-mails I'm talking about. Some guy in another country died and left a huge amount of money but no heirs. A bank employee decides to find an heir to claim the funds and offers to split it with you if you pretend to be the dead guy's long lost relative. The story may vary but the premise is always the same... they have alot of money to give away and need your info to transfer it to you. First they need your name, address and phone number. Then once they get you on the hook they realize they need money to pay taxes or bank fees or something like that. Or they get your bank information so they can have the funds wire transferred to your account. Believe it or not, I actually had a friend once who almost got suckered into one of those. By the time he mentioned it, he's already given them his home address and phone number. Anyway, this website has a bunch of "scam baiters" who respond to these emails and try to get information from the scammer, some have actually gotten them to pose for pictures with some interesting signage... not sure what the stories are behind these yet.

The great phone hunt...

2008-09-03T10:11:00.005-04:00

Image via WikipediaOK. We're sick of Sprint and ready to move on. Finally out of the dreaded contract period and Jake has been hounding me to "find us some new phones."
Yeah, thanks. Put all the pressure on me. Love ya. His list of "the only things I require" isn't making it easy either. (although I can't complain cause I had the same list really, he just copied mine)
First off, I LOVE the iPhone. I'm just the type of techy gadget lover who would happily chunk down the needed cash to get one... IF I had the needed cash. But I don't. So I'm looking for something similar but cheaper. Now I'm not super picky... it doesn't have to run all the cool little iPhone apps or anything like that. Would be nice, but I'm being realistic here and I know that isn't going to happen... so here is what I want instead:

A truly web capable phone. One that has an actual web browser and doesn't just show you the text portions of a web site all stretched and mangled. That being said... I just discovered Opera Mini this morning and downloaded it to my current phone. COOL! I wish I had known this existed months ago! Now for the bad part, it doesn't work on Verizon phones and Verizon is currently one of the front-runners for our new cell phone provider (more on that later).
A QWERTY keyboard. Preferrably a larger sized one that either flips or slides out of the phone. Jake's eyes aren't all that swift and he'd have a hell of a time trying to look at the digits on some phones, like the Alias.
and the last one, and this is certainly not a deal breaker by any means, but would make things less confusing is the availability of different colors. And not some sissy pink or puke yellow. I really like the colors available for the LG Chocolate phones, but... they don't have the other required items. We'd considered Blackberries, but after Jake messed around with one, the only real comfortable one to use (keypad wise) was just plain huge and not practical for him to carry around.

Soooo.... that's my latest dilemna/project. Any suggestions? ...and why the hell is Alltel available in Johnson City, TN but not in Knoxville? WTF is that all about?

Yeah I suck at this..

2008-09-02T09:10:00.003-04:00

Image by Old Shoe Woman via FlickrMy life is so boring, I can't even blog it. There is a new development though which will greatly affect my existance on the planet for a while. Jake has gone back "in the system" for Highway Transport. (Actually, it's now Highway Transport Chemical, LLC)
No, he's not a convict with an ankle bracelet or anything like that. He's going back over the road. He'd been running regional for what, a year? Can't remember... but since he's FINALLY decided to take his hypertension seriously he's realized it's hard to keep up with his particular drug regimen when he doesn't have a set schedule.
He has a pill he takes every morning and another for bedtime. Yet he was having to take his bedtime pill (obviously the stronger of the two) before heading out in the truck at night about half the week. Two weeks ago, when he finally broke down and told his dispatcher he needed to go back in he had fallen asleep... behind the wheel of the truck. Once just running down the interstate, the other time IN A TUNNEL... IN THE GORGE!! Not a good place to doze off while driving a Volvo VNL670 pulling a chemical tanker. If anybody doesn't know what the "gorge" is, it's that part of I-40 in western North Carolina with the steep grades and twisting turns. A very hazardous area for trucks anyway... but asleep!? It's a wonder he's still with us at all.
So he left yesterday, don't know when he'll be home. And Sasha has been moping around the house since then. All evening she wanted out every few moments so she could go look in the driveway for his pickup. :( It's funny, he was in the system when we got her and she used to bark at him when he'd come home and try to chase him off the bed. She finally got used to the idea of a pack member who's not home all the time and accepted him... then he was home more. Now she's attached to him, expects him to be here and is not at all happy about him being gone.
As Mommy, I've been trying extra hard to keep her occupied and happy... but have to leave for work in about an hour. :( Poor baby will think we've both left her.

Stone update...

2008-07-18T09:27:00.005-04:00

Image by . SantiMB . via FlickrWell the surgery is over and I'm home. Actually made it home much sooner than planned. They had told me the procedure would take 1 - 1 1/2 hours. I was done in 45 minutes. Recovery time went quick and I was ready to go home by the time I was supposed to be coming out of the recovery room. Hellz yeah! I didn't want to stay stuck in Day Surgery any longer than I had to.

Waking up was a very strange thing for me. I'd only been under general anesthesia one other time in my life. That was for the removal of an impacted wisdom tooth and I was out a whopping 25 minutes. Woke up in the same place I went to sleep... sorta.

This time, I was in the operating room when I went to sleep. I remember getting drowsy and people were still talking to me... but I can't remember actually dozing off. The previous time I do. I know the exact moment I went out. This time I only recall all these people in the room talking and doing things all around me... then a guy talking to me. He kind of sounds like the guy who gave me the stuff to put me to sleep, but it's not. His voice is slightly different and he's on my left. When I was given the drugs, he was behind my head and there was an X-ray machine to my left. They had just taken and X-ray and I remember thinking it didn't work because I never heard the machine ramp up.

My eyes didn't want to open, I might be able to talk back to him... what's this thing laying across my face? Must be one of those oxygen tubes that they stick up your nose. Wait. There's someone here, my eyes are opening now and I can see them. That can't be right... it's not a guy, it's a female nurse. And there are curtains around me again. I'm back in the staging room where I started from... or somewhere exactly like it. I wonder know how long I've been here.

My eyes are open now, but things are still fuzzy looking. What the... oh yeah. No contacts today, I had wore my glasses in because I couldn't wear my contacts into surgery and my glasses are in the Day Surgery locker with my clothes.

HOLY CRAP AM I THIRSTY!! And my throat hurts... alot. That tube they stick down your throat when you're in surgery... SUCKS! Major suckage! They had taken it out before I woke up, but it made my throat very sore and even today... the next day... 24 hours later... it still hurts.

Once they got me back into Day Surgery waiting they brought me a drink and some crackers. Didn't notice that one of the packs was graham crackers until Jake pointed it out when he came in. Dammit. I had been trying to force a saltine down my throat in tiny pieces and could have had a graham cracker?? Only ate one cracker. Although I was starving when I went in and starving when I went out, as soon as I tried to swallow the first tiny bite of cracker I decided I wasn't hungry any more. I couldn't swallow the stuff. It was stuck on this lump in my throat. I finished the cracker I started but that was all I ate until Jake made me some Ramen at around 10pm.

Hydrocodone is my friend. And so are these blue capsules, whatever they are, that make me pee blue. See I have a stent inserted in my ureter (tube from kidney to bladder where the stone was stuck) to help the stone fragments pass. And it constantly gives the sensation that I have to pee... RIGHT FRICKEN NOW! My first real sensation after coming out of anesthesia was that I HAD to pee. The nurse said that was probably just the stent, and after trying my damdest to go in the bed pan she brought... nothing but pain. I did go a couple times before I left the hospital. Once I had downed a 12 ounce can of Sprite and had SOMETHING in my system to pee. I'll spare you the gory details, but it ain't pretty.

So now I'm home, trying not to sit upright cause when I do I can feel the stent. I can't describe that feeling really... but I don't like it at all and it hurts. And I just took a pain pill about 30 minutes ago and I'm geting drowsy again so I'll go now. before this gets too incohere.. uhh.. I know how to spell that word but can't right now.. anyway. i'll go before i get too hard to understand.

i do wnat to say one more thing though... Kudos to the staff at Fort Sanders Regional Medical Center. They promised me before going to surgery that they would keep Jake posted on my progress... and they did. He said they have a screen in the waiting room that has patient names and everytime there is a status change it updates...but even better, my surgical nurse kept going out and updating him as things progressed along. He knew exactly when I went into the OR, how long the op took, when i was in recovery, when I woke up in recovery, when they moved me out of recovery and when I was ready for visitors. Awesome job!

My Spikey Friend(s)...

2008-07-16T09:30:00.004-04:00

Image by Trevor Blake via FlickrFor those who don't know, I have been fighting a losing battle recently with an unwelcome visitor. A kidney stone has apparently been living in my right kidney for an unknown amount of time and recently decided to move out.

Then it ran into a problem. Kidney stones are spiky little things... imagine a tiny, porcupine made out of calcium. Well apparently when this stone tried to evacuate, it got hung up (literally) in the ureter and has been there for the last 2 1/2 weeks.

After the initial 3 hours of "OH MY GOD I WANT TO KILL MYSELF TO STOP THIS PAIN" pain stopped, it's been an off and on joy ride with sharp stabbing pains hitting at random intervals and for no apparent reason. Drugs given by a urologist to help me pass the stone have apparently done nothing as it really seems to be stuck in there.

The messed up part is, it's very difficult to even see it. The ER originally told me after a CT scan that the stone was 5mm and classified it as "a big one." Yet despite numerous attempts to get a clear X-ray of it, the urologist is unsure if the spot we're looking at on the X-rays is the stone. If it is, he says there is no reason why it shouldn't pass on it's own and we've been trying to get it to do just that.

Apparently two weeks is a bit long for all that has been done to try to get this sucker to move, and the "spot" hasn't moved... not an inch. A second ultrasound of my kidneys was done Monday morning and the urologist scheduled me for a "surgery" called lithotripsy. Apparently, although the stone itself SHOULD pass, it's not and it is creating enough of a blockage to let fluid collect inside my kidney. Not a good situation. So now I get to go to Fort Sanders at 6am tomorrow and get beat on with invisible fists! Sounds like fun, eh?

...and yeah, this all started the Monday morning following the Weekend From Hell. (More on that later.)

No more gymnast.

2008-07-07T09:48:00.003-04:00

Well congratulations to Tracy Counts and her "lovely" *cough* staff at Gymnastics Counts. They've run another talented gymnast off and convinced her to quit the sport.

For the past two years, my niece has been a very dedicated gymnast. She loved gymnastics! You couldn't keep that kid's feet on the ground for more than 5 minutes. She attended a recreational gymnastics class when she was 2 1/2 and loved it, but my sister-in-law didn't have the money to keep her in it. After years of begging, Ash finally convinced them to put her back in. This time Grandma was paying and she promised she could stay in as long as she continued to enjoy it (provided it didn't get too expensive, of course). At 9 years old she returned to the gym and started again with recreational classes. She caught on so quick they practically begged her to join the Level 3 team. She came away from her first competition with 3 first place event medals and a first in the All-Around. She was hooked!

Level 3 was a great year for her and she soon had a large collection of medals from various meets, most of them gold. She competed in the P.R.E.P. Optional program during the "off-season" and loved it even more. Compulsory competitions have everybody doing the exact same thing, while optionals allow the girls to showcase their best skills, with more difficult ones providing a higher point value.

She progressed so well during the Prep season that her coach had her skip Level 4 and go straight to Level 5. 5 was more of a challenge, but instead of getting discouraged and quitting (like some did) she became even more determined and worked very hard to master the new things she was being taught. 2 weeks before her first Level 5 meet, she was hospitalized and had to have an emergency appendectomy. This put her out of the gym for 6 weeks. She was crushed. As soon as the doctor said it was OK, she was back in the gym, working harder than ever to get her strength back up for the next meet.

She was disappointed in her scores at that meet, the lowest she'd ever had... but we Image by nismax95 via Flickrwere all very proud of the fact that she was able to compete at all. And her scores were still in the high 8s! Heck, she'd scored higher than kids who had been in the gym 5 days a week during the time she was in the hospital!

She finished Level 5 with a 6th place finish at the State Championship meet. Awesome job, even without the time off. But then the crap got started. She was being tossed around at the gym. One day she was told she'd compete Prep Op 2 during the spring/summer and the next it was Prep Op 3. Her best friend had gotten left behind with the Level 4 team and while she was Level 5 and it was hard on her. She missed having Emily there and Emily missed her. They were both looking forward to Optionals so they would be on the same team again and Emily was working her butt off to catch up so they would be able to compete together in compulsories again too.

Then another unexpected problem. She pulled a groin muscle during practice and was told again to stay out of the gym for 6 weeks. She missed almost the entire OptionalImage by nismax95 via Flickr competition season due to pain off and on. It looked like her and Emily would be together again, as Ash had no intention of going anywhere but Level 5. She hadn't had the chance to master the skills needed to move to Level 7. Her gym's owner/coach doesn't have a Level 6 team.. she hates compulsories and wants to get everybody to Level 7 as soon as they can because 7-10 are Optional levels. Well guess what. They told her she HAD to be Level 7, they wouldn't let her stay in Level 5 and if she didn't want to be Level 7, she could find another gym. Ashleigh refused to move up, and the coaches refused to listen to reason... she wasn't ready, she knew it and they should have seen it... but for some unknown reason, they refused to let her stay and polish her skills.

This was retarded! They had a girl that was on Ashleigh's Level 5 team that had been a 5 for two years already! So what's the harm in letting Ash do it one more year. Heck, letting her brush up and perfect her performance would only make the gym look better because she'd be scoring high and winning meets! But they didn't care... they had to have it their way. This constant pushing was what made her try something she wasn't read for once already which resulted in the pulled muscle.

So Ashleigh quit. She went and looked at another gym, but all the girls there were younger than her and she didn't think she'd make any friends. Plus she didn't want to compete against any of her old friends... but she was most worried about having her ex-coach judge her at meets. At least two of the staff at Gymnastics Counts are judges from time to time. How bad is it when a 10 year old thinks you're too corrupt to judge a meet fairly???

So now, Ashleigh wants to run track in school and is joining Emily's soccer team. Emily's mom is a coach and said Ashleigh has natural talent. Heck, the kid gets told that no matter what sport she tries! And the good thing... Em's mom can make sure they are on the same team. She watched them play against each other in a practice game and said they MUST be on the same team or else they'd kill each other!

Dream Blog

2008-04-28T09:13:00.003-04:00

Hey... if anybody is reading this.. I'm creating a blog of odd dreams I have. These just started so I only have two right now.. but I'm going to try to remember any odd dream occurrences and note them so I can blog them either when I wake or later in the day. Check it out at http://z-dreamz.blogspot.com/ and let me know what you think. There's also a link on my profile page.

Happiness is a new iPod

2008-04-19T00:41:00.002-04:00

Apple has made me a happy iPod owner again. After a gradual decline it became obvious my iPod's hard drive was failing. It finally got to the point where the iPod refused to boot up and endlessly told me it needed to be Restored. However after countless Restores it never got any better and continued to be reported as an "iPod in Recovery Mode". I took it back to the Apple Store tonight after it made a liar out of me Saturday by working flawlessly for the Apple employee. And in less than 5 minutes I had a bright, new, shiny iPod with no questions asked. They hooked it up to their Windows-running Mac and it did the same thing to them, and without another word or question asked, the Mac guy reached into a cabinet behind him and removed a new one. Put mine in it's box and gave me a paper showing my old serial number and new serial number. Pretty spiffy. I was expecting all kinds of questions... "Did you drop it?" "Have you unplugged it without ejecting it first?" "How long have you had it?" "Do you have your receipt?" I was asked none of these questions... or any other. :) I like Apple. I missed my iPod. I'm happy now.

It's 3am.. do you know where you music is?

2008-04-12T03:14:00.002-04:00

Good... Cause I sure as hell don't! Once again, a iTunes issue has pissed me off and I don't know what to blame it on. My experiment last week with trying to convert my PC to a Mac failed... miserably. Ended up having to take the "Mac partition" and install a second copy of Windows in order to make my PC bootable again. Now I have to choose which copy I want to run when my computer reboots! Oh Joy.
After I got all that straightened out... I plugged Jake's 5th Generation iPod in and let it sync and install a firmware update. iTunes had also decided to update to version 7.6.2.9. Don't know if it was that update or something in my iPod... but when I plugged my iPod Classic (a.k.a. 6th Gen) in to sync all seemed well. The next day while listening to music on the way to work a song stopped playing. I went back to find it by album to retry it and noticed NONE of the songs on that album would play. Other songs worked, just not those. So I made a mental note to resync the iPod and try again when I got home that night.
Got home, plugged in the Pod and iTunes quickly informed me that my iPod contained "purchased" tracks that were not in my iTunes library and if I synced it, they would be lost. Umm. I told it to go ahead.. thinking it was some strange cryptic message that meant nothing... it was impossible for my iPod to contain anything my library did not anyway. Next thing I know, iTunes is telling me to Restore the iPod!
For those who don't have iPods... this is like reformatting your hard drive on your PC. It all goes away, just as if you'd just picked the iPod out of the box. Sure, the songs are still in iTunes... but it takes HOURS to get them back on the Pod. I cringed, cursed, complained and started the process. Got it reset and set to sync and went to bed figuring it would be done and ready to go the next morning. WRONG!
Woke up the next morning to find iTunes locked up and unresponsive. Couldn't even kill it using the Task Manager! Had to reboot to get it to let go of my iPod. Guess how many songs were on my iPod out of the 2500+ tracks in iTunes.... NONE.
Fast forward to three days later... at one time while constantly fucking with this thing I have had just over 200 tracks on it... At this point.. it's empty again. I just spent an hour and a half manually syncing tracks 10 at a time... to see if they would stay. After about 200.. I checked.. NOTHING.
I fear for my iPod's life.. and mine. I can't stand being without that thing. Yeah, it's still got a warranty on it.. but still.. it's the principal of the matter... NO IPOD FOR DAYS!?
What will I do?

Someone else do this... please.

2008-04-01T23:06:00.007-04:00

I found this test online. It's supposed to be an actual test used to determine the presence of ADD/ADHD in adults. I took the test and ... well... this is what it said:

You scored a total of 100

It is highly likely that you are presently suffering from adult attention deficit disorder, according to your responses on this self-report questionnaire. You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional immediately
So um.. I was wondering what it told others. Since Jake and I had this discussion earlier I've been noticing more things and thinking back on my childhood a bit. Maybe I am making this out to be more than it is... but it's seriously got me wondering if there isn't something that could be done to keep my thoughts on track. I'm really getting tired of losing stuff I just had and starting things that never get finished. And the ability to actually lay down at night and sleep... that would be... well... a dream come true!

On a side note... http://funniestshitonyoutube.blogspot.com/ <-- my new blog of favorite Youtube vids!!

Someone stole my husband.

2008-03-27T23:00:00.003-04:00

After getting into a huge fight over... (surprise!) money the other day... Jake actually CALLED ME after he left for work and apologized. He said he didn't mean to yell at me and he didn't want to start fighting again. "We've been getting along so well" he didn't want to spoil it.

Who the hell is this guy and where is the body? I'm almost scared. Confused. Shocked. And it gets odder. In the aftermath of this fight, I was quite scared to tell him a week later that we had all of $30 left in the bank until his next payday. Knew he'd freak out and start yelling. Dreaded it all day.

When I got home that evening, I met him in the living room with the printouts of the bank balances. I told him the balance was lower than I expected. All he asked what "how far overdrawn are we?" I told him we were not, but that he needed to hold off using his check card until Friday. He said OK... and that was IT!!

Maybe I'm shell-shocked or paranoid... but all I can think of is the "Calm Before the Storm." *shiver*

I was thinking I might have ADD, but then I got side-tracked...

2008-03-12T22:07:00.003-04:00

How exactly does one get diagnosed with ADD or ADHD? What the hell is it anyway? I used to think people were using it as an excuse for why their kids were so unruly... and perhaps some are. But I've had a few people tell me over the past couple years that they think I have ADD!?

I laughed. Snickered. Smirked. Made sarcastic remarks. Then went home and looked it up on the internet. HOLY SHIT!? Is THAT why I spent 6 hours a day doing 2 hours worth of homework because I kept getting distracted and my mind would wander off on other subjects. Is THAT why everytime I sit down to read a book it takes me 10 times longer than the average person to finish.. IF I do at all. Is that why I start fidgeting and talking to myself at times to keep the boredom of life from bringing me to tears? Is that why I go weeks without posting on my blog... because I have a tendancy to start a post and never finish it.

And all this time I thought I just had a short attention span and an overactive imagination. Or is that what ADD is?

.... I forgot what I was going to say here.

Chillin' with my Sasha-dog

2008-02-29T00:01:00.003-05:00

Ok. So the title of this post has nothing to do with the topic... it's just what I'm doing at the moment. Sitting on the couch, laptop in hand...er lap, facing possible blog overload if I actually describe EVERYTHING that has happened since my last post.
Realistically I don't think I could do that. It's getting late, my neck is getting sore and I would get way side-tracked before I got close so....
Where was I? Oh yeah, the blog thing. Hey, what happens to adults with ADD? I mean, do they do anything about it or since we're past the school days and not considered to need help with a so-called learning disability do they just let it go? Not like I was planning on getting tested or whatever they do to diagnose it.. just wondering. Jake thinks I have it. Funny, I was told the same thing by some friends a few years ago. One of them was actually taking some kind of drug for it.
I think they might be right. I do get distracted, side-tracked and generally have a short attention span. It's funny, my parents used to say I could play by myself for hours and never get bored. They weren't watching very closely. I got bored alright, plenty bored. I just had an overactive imagination that allowed me to keep thinking up new things to play or new conversations to have with myself.
Why DID Cootie have to remind me that I haven't been blogging lately? You'd think, as much as I talk to myself, that this would make an excellent outlet for that habit and I'd be posting several times a day. I wonder if blogger is available from work. Shit! There I go again.
Where was I? Yeah, I was talking about how I get distracted before I got.. uhh.. distracted.
Oh good news. My Dad called me a few weeks ago out of the blue while on my way to work to inform me he was in the hospital. (No, that's not the good news, it's the background story for the good news) He went to his doctor for an office visit because he'd been feeling odd and they sent him to the hospital and had him admitted because his heart beat was very irregular. He calls me as I'm halfway to work... just to let me know! So yeah, I was freaking out all day. Daddy hates having people worry about him, so he tends to keep things to himself. (sounds familiar...) But SHIT! "Just wanted to let you know I'm in the hospital." ... anyway, I heard today he's been on a new med for a while now and it seems to be working. I find it odd though that he's had an irregular heartbeat for a long time now and they FINALLY think it's worth treating?? WTF? He's had panic attacks before that looked and left just like heart attacks... so why start treating him now?
Well, OK.. I'm now yawning too frequently to be able to keep up with what I'm typing. The new bed calls.

An excercise in getting along...

2008-02-05T00:18:00.000-05:00

Well, after another several years apart.. it appears Jake and I will once again be considered "living together." Jake has accepted a regional position with Highway which will have him sleeping at home every day (although not during the same hours in which I will be sleeping) and home each weekend. It's been a few years since this has occurred on a regular basis.
I'm scared. Historically, it seems the more time we spend together the sooner we get on each other's nerves and cease to get along well. The old adage about absence making the heart grow fonder certainly makes sense for us. It's not that we don't like each other... it's just that we tend to like different things and feel differently about some things, which causes friction. That and Jake isn't the best when it comes to open communication. I'm always the last to know things and he often makes plans which may or may not include me without actually including me!
I'm sure Sasha will be happy about it, at least. She won't be alone during the days except for a few hours after I go to work and before Jake gets home. From what I understand, he'll be leaving around 11pm and getting home at roughly 1pm the following afternoon. He'll sleep until I get home at which time we'll have dinner together before he heads to work again.
I really do hope it works out and we are able to get along well enough..... but I'd be lying if I said I'm not worried.

Doin the Tax thing....

2008-01-31T10:20:00.001-05:00

HOLY CRAP!! I just got the year-end statement from the mortgage company in the mail today. We paid over $10,000 in interest last year on this house! Jake says they are doing that because they KNOW we are going to refinance next year once the penalty expires... so they're trying to make their money off us when they can. But here's the funny part... they don't get to keep it all. It's income to them and they have to report it on THEIR taxes... and we get part of it back! So WHY are they taking so friggin much of my check every month?? Why not just lower our payment by ohh... 15% over the course of the year... since we're getting it back anyway. Sure would make things easier over the course of 12 months.

Oh well. In case you don't know... Jake is a truck driver. And he's out alot. For every day he's away from home, the IRS lets us deduct $39 from our income tax paid in. (75% of $52 a day to be exact) He was out 275 days last year (seriously! He sat at a terminal one night and counted through his log books).

It's fun watching the numbers count up in TurboTax. They went pretty quick when I added in that $10k+ deduction for his time out. And again when I added the mortgage interest. It's a game you see... make the numbers move. Up is good, Down... bad. And so goes my spare time over the past few days.. and more during the next few. I'm almost done though, just gotta dig up sales tax figures for the Jeep, Suzuki (my ATV) and Kawasaki (Jake's ATV).

That New Years thing...

2008-01-11T23:22:00.001-05:00

OK. I've never been one for making New Years Resolutions... but the topic was brought up at work and I created a list. While still putting off #1 on my list (get my neck problem looked at), I have managed to make a little progress on at least one item.
One of the main things I hate about myself is my lack of self-esteem. It affects my life in so many ways it's sickening. I know it's a tired cliche but I seriously feel my mother is to blame for a lot of it.
She was always putting me down, although I worked my ass off to make her happy and proud of me. Occasionally I could be rewarded with a snippet of goodness, which was just enough to keep me plodding along. Hoping that one day, she really would be proud of me. All I wanted was to be noticed, appreciated. I spent countless hours each day working on homework, hoping to make the grades needed to make her happy. It was tough. I was battling with an undiagnosed "lazy eye" issue that caused words to move across the page while trying to read... and a severe lack of attention span. I suppose had I been a kid in today's times I could have been diagnosed as having ADD and gotten drugs... dammit!
It didn't come easy, but I was making the grades. Honor Roll all the way, baby. Except for 1 F I received in high school for being dropped on my neck during gymnastics (part of freshman PE) while the girl who was supposed to be spotting me was busy flirting with the coach. I landed all wrong and felt odd tingling sensations throughout my body. The coach, distracted from his flirting and clearly pissed because of it, yelled at me to get up. "You're holding everybody up!" I refused to participate in his classes for the rest of the year (this was the second of two 6 week periods in this class) and he gave me an F. Didn't care.. didn't feel like being paralyzed because of his lack of interest in my safety. I have no doubt this is where my neck problems really began.
Anyway, yeah, I graduated with honors and a big whopping $500 scholarship. But my mom continued to treat me like shit. Most people have a memory of their parents, a special saying or phrase they liked to use. Something meaningful or funny that they always think of. My Dad's is "Poor old crippled up one-eyed Daddy" is what he called himself when I would beat him at whatever Atari video game we were playing together at the time. "I can't believe you'd take advantage of your poor old crippled-up one-eyed Daddy like that."
What's the one thing I remember my mom saying the most? "Dammit Sammy, can't you do anything right?" Nice, huh? And there's the time she threw a chunk of marble at me that missed and made a 1-inch deep hole in the hallway wall... because I missed a spot of grease when I cleaned the stove after washing the dishes after dinner because I was in a hurry to get back to finishing my homework.
Sorry I wandered off for a while there. Point is, I have spent a great deal of my life feeling worthless, useless and just plain stupid. I have no self-esteem. I hate who I am. And I am practically unable to make decisions on my own that are in any way important or involve other people.
I gotta work on that. Until I fix that part of myself, none of my other "self-improvement" projects will work because I would never get them started or make the necessary decisions and changes to follow through with them. Question is.... just how the HELL am I supposed to undo it all? And am I really worth the effort. Sometimes I wonder.
Wow, that's depressing. Time to go play with my dog.

What I really wanted for Christmas... but didn't get. :(

2008-01-11T10:20:00.000-05:00

Zippy The Zebra for January 08, 2008, 08:48 PM

2008-01-09T00:36:00.001-05:00

Creepy talking stuffed zebra.

2007-12-29T17:01:00.000-05:00

I love this video of Sasha. It's crappy quality (cell phone), but shows off some of Sasha's favorite tricks. I love the silent bark.
Basically, Sasha is very much a Lady. Being a Lady, she apparently feels it is rude to bark inside the house... even when tempted with tasty treats. It took me over a year to teach her to speak... and even then she doesn't like to do it inside the house loudly. So she started "silent barking". She goes through the motions, but no sound comes out. She'll do this... all the while scooting her butt around on the floor or circling until I either give her the treat or tell her she's being too quiet. "Louder" and "I can't hear you" are the most common ones she responds to.

Another Rainy Weekend...

2007-12-28T22:19:00.000-05:00

Oh joy. Just what I wanted. A lovely rainy weekend to highlight my thoroughly crappy week.
Yeah, it's that week between Christmas and New Year's again. Why does it always seem to suck? Hell if I know.. but 2007 sure is living up to the hype.
An issue with buying a broken Christmas candle in a box that wasn't supposed to have a candle at all completely screwed up the gift-giving portion of the holiday. Thanks Cracker Barrel! I'll be seeing YOU tomorrow!
My spirits were already down due to the whole "family" issue from my previous post.
Saturday we were supposed to go 4-wheeling (which I haven't been able to do in about 2 months... although Jake has gone without me) and never made it... again. Two weekends in a row this has happened because Jake can't manage to buy a pair of friggin orange vests without me. So we end up running from store-to-store Saturday morning and by the time we have any chance of settling for something else... it's too late to go riding anyway. So we buy nothing and go home. Well, last Saturday, we found ONE. So Jake went riding Wednesday... the day after Christmas... while I was at work. He managed to drag his ass out of bed at 7:30 that morning and was gone before I even woke up. Why the hell couldn't he get up that early on Saturday!?
Finally, he goes back to work Thursday morning... and today (Friday) calls and informs me he's on his way home and probably won't be going back out until NEXT Wednesday. So he's going to have one trip and two days of holiday pay on his next check... a TWO week check! Yeah buddy.. that's gonna help with the house payment. Especially considering I'm just getting shit back under control from his crappy Thanksgiving check. (He was home a week then too). I wonder how much of THIS check he managed to suck up in advances. *rolls eyes*
Oh and the reason Jake is on his way back home... some "concerned driver" called and reported him to Highway because he was "swerving and almost cut them off". Nevermind the fact he was trying to avoid spilling several thousand gallons of chemicals on the Interstate because another truck driver tried to run HIM over. Doesn't matter. Not to Mr. Safety Man who now insists Jake attend a "defensive driving" class. Yay for re-runs! He's already taken Highway's course once... not to mention it's merely the same re-hashed thing every trucking company in the country has. Hell, we've both got patches, certification cards and a bracelet from C.R. England's course. That one is a two-parter.
Jake says this is just Mr. Safety trying to be a jerk and he is "going to tell him about it when he gets back to Knoxville." OH BOY!! Anybody care to play the "will he run his mouth too much again and be jobless" game? It's been a while since we've played this game... but it usually has a bad ending. Here's hoping he's matured a bit since the last round. *crosses fingers*
If nobody at work sees me on Monday... I'm dead or in prison. Just a heads-up.

I want my taste buds back!

2007-12-19T09:58:00.000-05:00

Monday morning I awoke after three days (3 1/2 actually) off from work with a sore throat.
"Oh great", I tell myself, "I'm getting a cold! At least it waited until after my mini-vacation."
Yeah, it did. But when you work at a job where you are constantly on the phone all day... that's not much consolation. I suffered for 4 hours milking a few Luden's Throat Drops I had in my purse then ventured across the street at lunch to the grocery store for some drugs.
My husband had suggested I try Zicam the last time I got a cold. It certainly sounded promising with it's claim to "reduce the length and severity of your cold." If I was ever in a position to be need that, it's now. So I got a package of Zicam Cold Remedy melt-away tablets... in Cherry flavor. I also got a sprayer bottle of Cepacol throat spray. Their lozenges are the best, but it's hard to talk with one in your mouth sometimes... not very professional on the phone for sure.
Hah! There's a joke for ya! Cherry flavor. Yeah, I know.. since when does medicine actually taste like what it's supposed to... not since the days of taking Dimetapp as a kid has that actually happened.
So anyway, I get out to the car and read the rest of the directions on the Zicam. Dissolve one tablet in mouth every three hours starting with the first sign you are getting a cold. Well, that's where I'm at... so I open the bottle and pop one in my mouth. There was about a 1/2 a second where I thought I had tasted something slightly Cherry-ish, but before I could confirm ... it was gone. My mouth was flooded with a metallic taste... like I was sucking on a nail. I remember that taste, from helping my dad work on projects and after poking myself in the leg a few times by putting them in my pocket, I started sticking the ends of the nails in my mouth. I wouldn't actually suck on them, but there would be a slight metallic taste on my lips afterward. This is like that.... only WAAAAY stronger. And it didn't go away. Rapid Melt to me indicates it would be gone quickly.... not 5-10 minutes later. And of course, no matter how hard I tried to build up saliva in my mouth to help it melt quicker... the taste seemed to prohibit my tongue from doing so. I thought for sure I would puke before it was over. Finally it was... and I was ready to wash the taste out of my mouth when something on the bottle caught my eye... more directions.
Do not eat or drink for 15 minutes after taking. 15 minutes? 15 F**CKING MINUTES!? I was counting the seconds.
Now, call me a sucker for punishment, but there was still that part of me that really wanted this to work... so I have stuck with it for 2 days now. And to be honest, I'm not sure if it is working or not. My cold does seem to be progressing slower. Normally by the morning of day three I'm completely stopped up and coughing my guts out. But I was smoking then too... so I'm sure that didn't help much. It's been too long since I've had a smoke-free cold to remember if this is normal progression. However, the most important part... my throat is STILL sore and scratchy... perhaps a bit worse even. I can breathe out of one side of my nose and my eyes are kind of itchy and watery. I know it's not supposed to stop it all together, but I'm not sure how much it is really doing at this point. And herein lies my problem.
The directions on the box say to keep taking it until 48 hours after symptoms are gone. A cold, for me, can last weeks upon weeks. By that time... I wouldn't be able to eat anything! This stuff has had a drastic effect on my sense of taste. Milk tastes like metallic water. Food tastes like it is watered-down and coated with metal powder. I made some kick-ass sausage balls last weekend... using REAL farm-raised hot pork sausage. I tried eating one a few minutes ago and it tasted horrible! I couldn't taste sausage, cheese... nothing!! I noticed it yesterday at work. I hadn't eaten breakfast so I bought a bag of Fritos to munch on during my break. They tasted nothing like corn chips. They had no real taste at all. I just forced myself to eat a strawberry cream cheese bagel... literally forced. It tasted nothing like it should. I will soon quit eating all together if this doesn't (*YAY! I just sneezed... that's a new symptom I didn't have yesterday) clear up soon. I'm beginning to think it's not going to be worth the trouble. But I bought the crap, might as well follow through.. at least until the bottle is gone. But I'm also going to take a Claritin today. Maybe I can combat the nasal issues before that escalates further.

Just WTF are they saying here?

2007-12-18T09:41:00.000-05:00

Before I get started, let me say... I love my Dad. He's the only one of my parents who I've spoken to in (counting in head) 14 years? My Mom... well, let's leave that for another post. My parents have been divorced for several years, and about 7 (heh, I remember the date but not the year) years ago my Dad got re-married. My Step-mom is a nice lady. She is always hounding me about not calling enough or visiting enough, mainly because she has two kids of her own who are always calling her. Her daughter calls daily. I've never been a big telephone talker, and neither has my Dad. We have an understanding like that.
My Dad and Step-Mom were married December 26th (2000? 99? I honestly forgot). Why they picked this date I have no idea. But Daddy was really happy with her, so I stood behind him in it. He actually asked me what I felt about it before they got married. I seriously doubt he would have called it off if I said I didn't want him to do it, but the fact that he asked was very cool. My Daddy respects me, and I respect him. Once again, we have an understanding like that. We also have an understanding that if there is any way possible, I will be with him for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Since being tied up in the in-laws, nieces and nephews and God-daughter it is difficult... but we've always managed to get over to Dad's for at least a few hours worth of visitation and catching up. This year, that's not going to happen.
I got an e-mail last week from my step-mom.... here's a taste...

Also, wanted to know if we could get together for Christmas dinner on the 21st? ( Friday night) If that night is not good with you, let me know and we will work something out for the following weekend. We are going with all of my kids this year for 4 days, and we will be leaving on Sat. the 22nd.

Yeah, that's great. Now, she knows I work until 8 pm. Just how in the bloody hell am I supposed to get over there for dinner on Friday night? Oh! And she also knows Jake is a truck driver, I've always told her about the problems we have scheduling things due to that. He can't just "take the day off"... it's a major ordeal getting him dispatched into the area, etc. I took off last Friday because he was home, we had holiday shopping to do and I honestly wasn't sure (with him being home this early) if he'll even be home for Christmas day! So yeah, I will not be seeing my Daddy on Christmas day and that pisses me off. And this isn't the first time. Oh no. I've cut them some slack because of their anniversary being the day after Christmas. They usually spend a couple days away... but they have a Christmas dinner the weekend before... when EVERYBODY can come. Not just some "private showing" with Jake and I. I can't help but get this feeling that I'm the cast-off. The "bad seed" who doesn't deserve to be around the rest of their big, happy family. And I don't understand why. I've always gotten along great with her kids, their respective spouses (although I haven't met her son's newest) and kids. So what have I done to deserve being left out?
Now.. ya ready for the kicker?? I just got back from getting the mail and I had a Christmas card from them (Dad and step-mom). It was all serene, sparkly and glittery... and here's what it says on the front:
...
uh...
...ummm....
Wow.

Where has the year gone?

2007-12-15T02:21:00.000-05:00

Holy Crap! Here we are, halfway through December already. The niece's gymnastics meets will be ramping back up again next month, although I received word that they won't be as frequent.
Jake and I have both quit smoking. Getting close to a month now. He's taking Chantix... I'm going the way of the frigid poultry - with a little help from cinnamon toothpicks.
My 11-year-old niece has a cell phone.
And speaking of phones, don't you just love it when someone calls your phone and tries to blame it on you? Our home phone rang today and I answered it, although I didn't recognize the name. I could hear people talking, but nobody would answer me, so I hung up. About 45 minutes later the same number calls again. This time I just pushed the "talk" button and didn't say a word. Some lady who sounded eerily like the demented wife of one of Jake's friends started saying "Hello." I said "Hello" and she immediately asks "who is this?" Excuse me? Did you not just call MY phone number? I refuse to answer that question when someone has called ME. I ask them instead. She mumbles some name and asks if I am Sheila. I reply No and inform her she has the wrong number. The acceptable response would have been "Oh, I'm sorry" and hanging up. But will she do that? Hell no, not this lady. She proceeds to tell me that someone from my number called her and she was checking to see who it was. I advised her that nobody had made any outbound calls from this number today, but we did receive an earlier call from hers where nobody spoke. This lady argued with me! Told me someone certainly did call her from this number. I had been trying to keep my sarcasm in check. I wanted to spend my days off calm and as non confrontational as possible. This lady just wrecked it for me. I informed her that would be quite impossible considering I've been next to the phone all day and the only other one near it was Sasha... my 18 month old German Shepherd... and I have not taught her how to use the phone as of yet. She muttered some other crap about disturbing me and junk, but I wasn't listening. I was too busy marvelling at the fact that she could operate a celular phone considering the doesn't know the difference between incoming and outgoing calls.
Jake and I went to pick up the laptop today. Turns out I don't have to do a chargeback after all. They tried to charge us for the so-called diagnostic fee (1/2 hr of labor @ $55 an hour), we refused reminding them that they NEVER took it apart. Now you wanna know the odd part? They said if they took it apart and could replace the part (board is in good shape) it would have close me $199.95. The part was $29.95. So figure $170 in labor charges. They said it was 2 hours to take it apart, fix it and put it together again. Last time I checked, 170/2 was not 55. So somebody was lying about their labor charges, that's for sure. Never again will I take a computer to them. EVER!
It's now scattered all over the dining room table, with the motherboard and power plug sitting on the work bench upstairs. Gotta get some solder wick tomorrow so I can get the old solder off. The part has through-hole blade leads and until I get the solder out of the holes, I'll never be able to get the new one in place. I'm really hoping the damage isn't as bad as it looks. The center pin of the plug-in port came off. That pin was attached to a lead soldered to the board. The hole it was soldered into appears free of solder and that is a bad thing. That usually means the pad has come off with the part. There is no repairing something like that.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that 3 years of solder repair will pay off and I'll be able to get this beast running again.

Well, that's some of the stuff that's been going on lately. I'm falling asleep on my keyboard now.. so I'm gone.

Thanksgiving, Babies, and Other things I've encountered in the last three days.

2007-11-25T00:59:00.000-05:00

Hello again, how was YOUR holiday? Mine was actually standable, considering the circumstances.
I'd explain, but I'm just WAY to TIRED to do that right now. Trust me, I tried and got wierd ideas that had nothing to do with each other. Have you ever watched a green tiger squat to pee? Do it next time, it's cool looking.
Umm.. yeah, I'm going to bed now. :)

Breaking the Habit

2007-11-19T01:58:00.000-05:00

Jake is going for it... so I will too. He's got help though. Chantix. I could get some, assuming I'm able to locate my insurance card which has disappeared off the face of the earth. Yet, I will not. I have quit before, for over a year. But having Jake tasting like an ashtray everytime I kissed him... yeah. That didn't work at all. So here's my thing. Friday night I had 6 cigarettes in a pack. As of right now, I have 3. Jake will be home sometime this week for Thanksgiving and has decided his "Quit Day" will be Thursday. So will mine, unless I run out of smokes before then. He's actually doing real well so far. Monday will be his 8th day on Chantix and he's already dropped from 2 packs a day to less than a pack. That's a massive improvement right there! The drugs have already paid for themselves.
So wish me luck, and if I get crabby, moody, etc.. I apologize ahead of time. I am armed with Stride gum and some assorted hard candies. So here goes!

The Camera Bitch

2007-11-17T17:54:00.000-05:00

Don't you just hate it when people take advantage of you? Especially your family? Me too.
Let me introduce myself, I'm the aunt of three kids - two girls, one boy. My oldest niece is an 11-year-old gymnast. She loves gymnastics and competes in the US Gymnastics Association's Junior Olympic program. She's a Level 5. There are 10 levels before the really serious competitions start. She loves it.
Since she was a baby, we've been very close. Her "mother", still a kid herself when she got pregnant, spent almost no time with the child. At the time, my husband and I were between homes and staying with my in-laws. The Niece (Ashleigh - I don't suppose there is really a reason to try to hide her identity... her name is already scattered in various places on the net) was left at Grama's house after her Daddy went to work. Her "mother" would see him out the door then go running off, usually in Grama's car, with her friends until just before he got home from work. Ashleigh bonded to Grama. Since I was there with her more than her mother, we because very close as well. I could get her to sleep when her mother couldn't. And to this day, when something special or important happens in Ash's life, she wants me there.
So I made this promise to her, when she started competing. She told me she wanted me to be there for her meets. I told her if there was any way possible, I'd be there. So far I have missed two. They weren't really meets, just exhibition type events held at her home gym. When I was out of work for a few months last winter, I was at the gym three nights a week watching her practice... because she asked me to come. Meanwhile, her mother is outside talking on her cell phone or running off to the store. She says it makes her nervous and she can't watch it. That would be a valid excuse I suppose, IF she ever watched at all. Besides, if it were my kid and she was doing something potentially dangerous, I'd have my eyes PEELED! If for no other reason, in the event something DOES happen, I should be able to tell the doctor what she was doing and how she fell/landed/whatever. Nope, she's just not interested. The only reason she goes to the meets is to try to look like the "perfect mom." This woman DOES NOT fit in with the "gym mom" crowd. And she only embarrasses the kids by trying.
That said... I have found myself dreading these meets. I like being there for Ashleigh. I love watching her have fun with her team mates and seeing the intense concentration and work ethic she has developed. I find it all very interesting. What I can't stand is the constant banter between my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. MIL watches every one of Ash's practices... WATCHES them. Yet she has no clue what the judges are looking for when scoring the gymnasts. She sees Ash doing what she thinks is a beautiful routine and then gets pissed when she doesn't score 9's. I don't know either, but I know some of it.. and the last meet we went to I was mentally scoring several of the competitors. I'd tell Jake what I thought the score would be, and seemed to be withing a few 10ths each time. Meanwhile, the MIL is sitting to my left bitching about stupid judges and "what are they looking for?" My SIL is on her left... the person who doesn't even watch the practices... telling her what Ash is doing wrong. MIL doesn't want to hear it... won't hear it. So, yeah, I tend to wander off with my camera and leave them argue amongst themselves.
The camera... here's the other reason I dread these meets now... and the reason for the Title of this post. It seems the only reason anyone wants me there, other than Ashleigh, is because I have the "fancy camera" and can take good pictures. This doesn't just happen in gymnastics, everywhere. I arrive to a birthday party for one of the kids, or a family get-together of some kind and the first thing I hear is "Didn't you bring your camera?" Then periodically throughout the event... "You should have brought your camera." "Wish you had your camera." "You sure could have used your camera."
Last year, when I bought my digital SLR camera.. I GAVE my old (maybe a year old at the time and in perfectly good shape) digital camera to the MIL. Not just the camera either... I gave her two sets of rechargeable batteries, a battery charger, SD card, carrying case, and an SD card reader for her computer. Last season, she brought her camera to all the meets, for the awards photos, etc. Now, she leaves it at home. Last time I saw it, the kids were running around taking pictures of each other. Nice.
So yeah, I'm the camera bitch. MIL calls to let me know the date/time of the next meet and always throws in a hearty "don't forget your camera!" I made photo CDs last year of all the meets. She bugs me now wanting to know what the next CD will be ready. I haven't made any this year. Went though several CDs last year, never was offered a dime to help recover those costs. I'm not doing it this time... not till after the State meet. Then she'll get one disc with all the pictures on it and that will be just fine.
In short... Camera Bitch doesn't care anymore. Between the constant griping, bitching, acting like they know what's going on when they don't, and being made to lug around my camera bag for hours on end because they just HAVE to arrive 4 hours early for EVERYTHING... Camera Bitch is getting tired. I hate to think I'll stop going, I don't want to do that to Ashleigh, but it's starting to look like that may happen before long. The fun just isn't there for me... it's like a weekend job that is taking up my entire weekend... and I'm not getting paid for it. WTF?

Who says birds are stupid?

2007-11-17T02:29:00.001-05:00

Fun with a flyswatter.

2007-11-16T02:57:00.000-05:00

Go swat some flies! hehehe...

Heh, so much for no detail.

2007-11-16T02:52:00.000-05:00

Wow.. I just looked back at that last post and realized what I did. I start out saying I won't go into major detail.. then rant and ramble on and on... Oh well. THIS one will be short. Like this short.

When do they grow up?

2007-11-14T00:09:00.001-05:00

I won't go into major detail on this post... as the subject of such post is in the other room sitting in front of the TV. So I'll leave it at this, why do some people just refuse to grow up and act responsible? Is it the way they were raised? Is it some chemical imbalance in their brains? Is it just plain stubbornness? Whatever the hell it is, it's annoying as crap and I'm getting so sick of it.
My husband decided to throw a temper tantrum this past Sunday, which left me walking home after a short trip to get some food. He wanted to go eat breakfast at this little Mom & Pop restaurant in the old part of town. Yet never told me until it was too late. He simply asked me if I was getting hungry. I wasn't at the time, but had he said he wanted to go someplace special, I would have agreed. Instead, he waits until 2 hours later (by this time the place is almost closed and running out of breakfast food - I called to check once he finally told me) and gets pissed because it's too late to go.
WTF!? I've always been the one with a hard time making decisions and making my wants known... not him. He always gets aggravated at me for not telling him what I want to eat. Yet he has the nerve to get pissed at me for not reading his friggin' mind when he said he was hungry.
Normally "I'm hungry" means "I want something to eat, but I don't know what... so if you have any ideas make them known." Well, I didn't have any ideas so I proceeded to return to what I was doing figuring he'd speak up again once he'd made up his mind. Finally 2 hours later, when I got hungry he started moping and whining that it was too late to eat where he wanted to.
So we get into the Jeep and head out. Neither of us having any idea where we are going. He mentions this and I tell him it doesn't matter to me... he had wanted breakfast, so let's go get him some breakfast. Well, that wasn't good enough, my friends... and the 2-year-old in him proceeds to make an ass of himself. He tears out of the driveway screeching his tires and hard shifting the Jeep. I told him if he was going to drive like an idiot and rip the transmission out of the thing to let me out. He refused to stop and proceeded to drive even worse... now he's tailgating people with the Jeep swerving in the lane under the pop clutch shifts and quick turns - calling me names the entire time. He stopped at a store to get some smokes, and I got out slamming the door. He made some smart-ass comment about my slamming the door. I flipped him off and proceeded to walk home. It took about half an hour I think. I don't know exactly. I was mad.
He came home about 30 minutes after I arrived and never said a single word to me. I got Sasha in car and took off to the grocery store. Here in lies another of the major gripes I have with our relationship. He NEVER apologizes. EVER. He simply forgets about the fight and pretends nothing ever happened. I do not. Can not. So I spent the rest of the day speaking to the dog, the cat and even myself... but not him. Did he get it? Nope.
Not until I was leaving for work Monday morning did anything seem out of place to him. As I was walking out the door, fully expecting him to be gone back on the road when I got him did the subject come up. He came over to give me a kiss and tell me he loves me. I told him he was lying.
"Why do you say that? Because of yesterday?"
"Yes."
"You know that's not true. I didn't mean it."
And that was supposed to make it all better. WTF!?
This kind of thing used to happen alot... before the "breakup" about two (or will it be three?) years ago. Things had changed after that and he promised to work on keeping his temper under control and his mouth from running off. He gets mad and says some very hateful and hurtful things. After growing up with that kind of treatment from my mom, he knows how hard it hits me... and he said he would try his best to stop it. It seems like he's slowly slipping back to his old ways. And the bad part is, there ain't a damn thing I can do about it now. I sure as hell can't afford the house payment on my own, and I refuse to go live in some apartment where I'm not allowed to have Sasha with me... I WILL NOT leave her behind. I feel like I'm losing control and slipping back into the trap. I guess I should have known... happiness is not meant to be mine. Never has been... never will be.

Leprechaun in Mobile, Alabama

2007-10-24T09:42:00.001-04:00

This is beyond words. Only in Alabama.. although I could certainly see that happening in Memphis.

Orange Pits of Wrath

2007-10-22T10:04:00.000-04:00

Yes, that is my mother-in-law taking a HAIR DRYER to my niece's brand new $150 competition leotard just hours before a meet. Why? You ask. Oh nothing really, except that it TURNED ORANGE! We're not sure if it is sweat or deodorant at this point. She didn't seem to be sweating, but was getting a little warm just sitting there doing nothing. And because another girl's mother had said something about her daughter's leo changing colors, my sister-in-law, H, told neice A not to wear any deodorant. Ewww. I know their just kids, but they can and do sweat at those meets. She put on a small amount with Grandma's OK. About an hour later, we see orange pits! Not seeds, pits! And boy were they orange. The colors are a bit off in this photo, but that green is bright neon green. Guess what happens when bright, neon green turns orange... OH YEAH. Still not word if GK (the company that makes the leos) is going to do anything about them. More than likely, the blame will be placed on the deodorant and nothing will be done about it. Isn't that the way most companies would handle something like this?

Advertising meant to produce results.

2007-10-21T15:07:00.001-04:00

In case you can't make it out, the bottom of the ad shows it's an advertisement for funeral services. That is definitely advertisement that's out to getcha! Step closer, read the sign, ignore the bright light to your left. WHAM! New customer! WHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Losing my religion...

2007-10-21T10:58:00.002-04:00

OK. So here's whats happening. The first 6 years of my life, I really had no concept of religion. I went to a Head Start program at a Nazarene church, but the whole religious thing wasn't really pushed. At least not that I can recall. My parents were definitely NOT religious. They drank, smoked, gambled... and fought. Alot. In fact, I recall one day, I couldn't have been more than 3, I sat at my little table in the living room and listened to my parents fighting. They emerged from their bedroom with my Mom in front, and my Dad behind her with a knife to her throat.
Then my family (just the three of us.. no siblings) moved from Illinois to Tennessee. My Dad's family lives down here and they started on him about getting back into church. After almost killing himself driving home drunk over the windy mountain road, he decided he needed to get some help. So Dad went back to church... and we went with him.
I was about 8 at the time. Had some concept of the whole God/Jesus thing, but didn't think much about it. Wow. I became the pet-project of those people! "Oh my Lord, This poor girl needs to be saved!"
A year later, in a little church no bigger than most people's garages that only operated twice a year for this "revival." I walked up to the altar after a sermon and was practically thrown to the ground and surrounded by praying people. I kept waiting... I was told if I asked, if I believed, I would be saved and I'd KNOW when it happened. Did I? No. But now I had a problem. I had 20 or so people all trying desperately to get me "saved". I had people with their hands on me, people crying, the flood of voices was overwhelming. So yeah, I faked it. I stood up all teary-eyed looking and smiled. I suppose some were expecting me to start screaming and shouting. I couldn't. So I acted happy. I was confused as hell. But as long as they thought I was happy all was well.
They moved on to another pet project and my life went back to normal. Sort of. I was "saved" now... I was supposed to set an example and be the model for other saved people. No longer could I get into trouble and say "I'm sorry" and be left alone about it. Nooo... because now, all of a sudden, I was sinning! And I would go to HELL if I didn't fall to my knees and ask for forgiveness.
I spent the next 24 years of my life believing that every time I did something the church folk would consider "wrong" I was going to Hell. When one day, after talking to some friends at a new job... I started having doubts. Questions started flooding into my head. Suddenly all the things I thought I knew, that I'd simply believed because I was told it was right... none of that made sense anymore. There were discrepancies and loopholes. I left cheap... used... and pretty darn stupid. My family always told me I was smart. Was I really that smart if I was just following along with all the religion stuff because someone showed me a book and said believe it? Or was that their idea of smart... because I wasn't questioning everything they figured I'd found some way to believe it by working it all out in my head?
I wasn't smart. I was naive and stupid. I believed simply because I was TOLD to! Now before anybody goes jumping my case and telling me I'm going to burn in Hell. Hear me out. I'm not saying your believes are wrong. I'm not saying you are stupid for believing. If you took the time to research and learn about it... BEFORE making a decision. GREAT! I hope it works out for you. BUT if you were like me, and never had the chance to learn about other religions. Have no idea what other belief systems exist, and simply believe something because you were told it was right and everything else is wrong... then yeah, you're just like me. Pure common sense will not let me go back to believing the way I did before until I have the chance to learn about other religions. How can I make a good, informed decision when I'm not allowed to see what other options are there. How can I know what I'm up against if I'm kept behind a wall my entire life.
I met some really great people at work. They are nice, funny and really enjoy their lives. Something I haven't been able to do in quite some time. I'm glad I got to know them and I feel my life is a little better because of that. Here's the kicker. If I stuck to my old ways, the beliefs that were pounded into my head so many years ago... I would have never gotten to know these fun people. NEVER! I don't like the idea of ANYBODY telling me who can and can't be my friends. But because these folks are goth, pagan, non-christians, back-sliders, etc... I am supposed to stay away from them. Don't talk to them unless you are testifying to them.. blah, blah, blah. FORGET IT!
...And this is just the tip of the iceberg. As I delve more into my search for a new life... I'm finding alot of things in the Christian faith that just don't add up. I may write about those later. I may not.. we'll see. Until then, I'm going to do alot of research and talk to some people. I want my next religion (if I choose one at all) to be based on MY beliefs. MY personal feelings about what is and is not will make this decision... not someone else's. The only right decision is the informed one.

Halloween Awakening

2007-10-21T10:58:00.001-04:00

This is just cool! Don't really care for the fairy nerd screaming for no reason at the end... but the rest of it RAWKS!

2007-08-29T13:19:00.000-04:00

OK, Fine, I'll admit it. There is ONE thing and ONE thing only that I would miss if I were to go totally invisable. And there she is. Sasha. My girl. I can't imagine life without her. Waking up every morning is made tolerable merely because the first thing that happens when I open my eyes, is my face is instantly covered by a big, pink German Shepherd tongue. And it just keeps coming. She's my shadow, my friend, my "kid", my buddy, my playmate... my only reason for life. I can't imagine hurting her in any way, ever... simply because I know damn well she'd never do it to me and NEVER even think about letting anyone else hurt me. How can I leave and possibly submit her to torture and abuse? Can't do it. I'm sure you'll see alot more pics of her on here in the future. This one just happened to be the first I grabbed... she's pooped here! We'd been playing "tennis balls" for quite some time in nearly 100 degree weather... hence the long sticking-out tongue and squinty eyes.

Life? Is it really that great?

2007-08-28T10:28:00.000-04:00

Everywhere you go you see people in love with life. What the fuck is so great about it? As soon as someone can explain that to me, maybe I'll be happy to "Get out there and LIVE!" Right now, I'd rather curl up in a nice dark room and just disappear.

God, disappearing would be so awesome. I might not stay gone, but I'd certainly spend alot of time there. I don't know just where "there" is, but wherever you go when you disappear. Hell, how bad can it be? At least you're not HERE anymore.