Friday, January 11, 2008

That New Years thing...

OK. I've never been one for making New Years Resolutions... but the topic was brought up at work and I created a list. While still putting off #1 on my list (get my neck problem looked at), I have managed to make a little progress on at least one item.
One of the main things I hate about myself is my lack of self-esteem. It affects my life in so many ways it's sickening. I know it's a tired cliche but I seriously feel my mother is to blame for a lot of it.
She was always putting me down, although I worked my ass off to make her happy and proud of me. Occasionally I could be rewarded with a snippet of goodness, which was just enough to keep me plodding along. Hoping that one day, she really would be proud of me. All I wanted was to be noticed, appreciated. I spent countless hours each day working on homework, hoping to make the grades needed to make her happy. It was tough. I was battling with an undiagnosed "lazy eye" issue that caused words to move across the page while trying to read... and a severe lack of attention span. I suppose had I been a kid in today's times I could have been diagnosed as having ADD and gotten drugs... dammit!
It didn't come easy, but I was making the grades. Honor Roll all the way, baby. Except for 1 F I received in high school for being dropped on my neck during gymnastics (part of freshman PE) while the girl who was supposed to be spotting me was busy flirting with the coach. I landed all wrong and felt odd tingling sensations throughout my body. The coach, distracted from his flirting and clearly pissed because of it, yelled at me to get up. "You're holding everybody up!" I refused to participate in his classes for the rest of the year (this was the second of two 6 week periods in this class) and he gave me an F. Didn't care.. didn't feel like being paralyzed because of his lack of interest in my safety. I have no doubt this is where my neck problems really began.
Anyway, yeah, I graduated with honors and a big whopping $500 scholarship. But my mom continued to treat me like shit. Most people have a memory of their parents, a special saying or phrase they liked to use. Something meaningful or funny that they always think of. My Dad's is "Poor old crippled up one-eyed Daddy" is what he called himself when I would beat him at whatever Atari video game we were playing together at the time. "I can't believe you'd take advantage of your poor old crippled-up one-eyed Daddy like that."
What's the one thing I remember my mom saying the most? "Dammit Sammy, can't you do anything right?" Nice, huh? And there's the time she threw a chunk of marble at me that missed and made a 1-inch deep hole in the hallway wall... because I missed a spot of grease when I cleaned the stove after washing the dishes after dinner because I was in a hurry to get back to finishing my homework.
Sorry I wandered off for a while there. Point is, I have spent a great deal of my life feeling worthless, useless and just plain stupid. I have no self-esteem. I hate who I am. And I am practically unable to make decisions on my own that are in any way important or involve other people.
I gotta work on that. Until I fix that part of myself, none of my other "self-improvement" projects will work because I would never get them started or make the necessary decisions and changes to follow through with them. Question is.... just how the HELL am I supposed to undo it all? And am I really worth the effort. Sometimes I wonder.
Wow, that's depressing. Time to go play with my dog.


Cootiebug77 said...

You can bet your ass you're worth it.
Take it one day at a time Z, baby steps.

And for what it's worth... whether or not you like yourself, I like you... I enjoy your input and I miss you when you're not around. I believe people come into our Lives for a reason. I can't wait to see why you've come into mine : )

Cootiebug77 said...

Oh and by the way, a friend once said to me "There is a reason for cliches." They happen, more often than you might think. Take some comfort in knowing that there are people who've suffered just like you.
Don't ask yourself "where do I start?" ask yourself "when?"


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